The Costco parking lot at 11 a.m. on a Saturday is the most dangerous place in America

Okay so I'm gonna say something controversial. The Costco parking lot on a Saturday morning is the single most hostile environment I have ever operated a motor vehicle in. I've driven in Boston. I've driven in Rome. Nothing comes close.

The rules just don't apply in there. People back out without looking. They abandon carts in the middle of the lane. Someone is always going the wrong way down an aisle "just real quick." My father-in-law once idled in a handicap spot for eleven minutes waiting for a regular spot, and I let him because I was scared of him.

Three things I've learned to survive it:

• Park in Siberia. The spots by the gas station are always open. Ten extra steps. Zero ambulance calls.
• Never back up. Pull through if you can. You cannot see what's behind you. What's behind you will kill you.
• Respect the cart return. It is a holy site. Treat it accordingly.

Anyway. I bought a 48-pack of toilet paper I don't need. Worth it.