The Costco Parking Lot Has Its Own Government and I'm Not a Citizen

Nobody told me that when I bought a Costco membership I was also agreeing to participate in a shadow democracy with its own traffic laws, unspoken customs, and a judicial system run entirely by a guy in a reflective vest named Gary.

Here's the thing — there's a code out there. You learn it or you suffer.

• Never take a spot someone's been hovering for. That's a federal offense in the Costco lot. You will be honked at with feeling.
• The cart return isn't optional. It's a character test. I've seen grown men fail it and I think about them sometimes.
• If you stop your car mid-lane to wait for a spot forty feet away while a perfectly good spot sits open thirty feet in the other direction, you have forfeited your right to complain about anything for the rest of the calendar year.

I've been going to this Costco for six years. I still parked in the wrong section last Saturday and had to do a shame-walk past the propane tanks with a flat of water and my dignity in pieces.

Gary saw. Gary always sees.