The HOA Newsletter's 'Friendly Reminders' Are Neither

The HOA newsletter arrives four times a year. I put it directly in the recycling bin. Not aggressively — just efficiently. I assumed it was coupons for the kind of restaurant nobody picks.

Turns out there's a section called Friendly Reminders. I know this because Garrett from three houses down stopped me at the mailbox on a Tuesday to explain it. Garrett had a very specific energy. The energy of a man who has read every issue since 2019.

Here's the thing about Friendly Reminders. It is not friendly. It is not a reminder. It is a verdict. Delivered in 11-point Arial, with bullet points, to people who didn't know they were on trial. Apparently this quarter's edition covered approved border plant species. There's a petunias ordinance. A petunias ordinance. And I am, according to Garrett, currently in violation of it. I did not plant the petunias. I do not know who planted the petunias. Lisa doesn't know either. They were just there in the spring, being pink, minding their business. Now they're a liability. I have until the end of the quarter to resolve this. Garrett wished me luck. He did not seem to mean it.